Waking Pan

What if the person you want most turns out to be a monster?

After too many years of letting social anxiety dictate their life, Alder Lewis is done. They’re determined to make it through the MA program in Folklore, no matter how many presentations it requires, or how much socializing with other students.

The horrors of a joint project don’t seem so bad, after all, once they meet their study partner Silas. Silas is handsome, kind, and interested in Alder as much for their brain as for their body. It also doesn’t hurt that he looks like a Greek god, and Alder is obsessed with Greek mythology—especially satyrs. Only Silas has secrets, and there’s someone in Great Valley who’s extremely interested in finding out what those secrets are.

When Alder’s thesis research leads them to the enigmatic leader of a gentle nature religion, it seems like everything is working out perfectly: Alder has found a new love interest, a new spiritual path, and a new research subject. But Ego Arcadia has secrets, too, and Alder will have to draw on every strength they didn’t know they had to survive.

Author's Note

There is a lot of enthusiastic, consensual sex in this book between an AMAB nonbinary person and a man in love. It gets pretty graphic, so if that’s not your thing, maybe this book isn’t for you. 

There are flashbacks and memories of emotional abuse, misgendering, and deadnaming as well as mention of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

There are scenes of violence, which include blood, threats of sacrifice, and death.